Does it matter that I haven’t found the one ?

I have wonderful people in my life; does it matter that I haven’t found The One ?

It happens all the time.  By the time we reach our thirties our group of school friends, or university mates is replaced by a husband or a wife.  We move out of the city, where our closest companions have lived in close proximity for the last five years, to the suburbs or to the country.  Our city lives are replaced by suburbia and comfort.  Our chaotic lives are replaced by choreographed and planned domesticity.  Our community, our network, our gaggle and group of friends gradually gets supplanted by The One , the soul-mate, the life partner.

Now there is nothing wrong with this, nothing at all. In fact a life partner is a wonderful thing and I too, at some point, hope to have one. 


the one

I went for a drink with a university friend the other night.  We lived together at university.  We used to share stories of our sexual and dating exploits.  We used to hold back each other’s hair when we’d indulged in too much Pinot Grigio. We used to spend many a Sunday watching catch up television or some rubbish game show as we nursed a hangover and moaned about the looming essay deadline.  She is now a mother of three living in Winchester with her lovely husband.  I am now a single mother living with my lovely (although he’s not always lovely) three year old in London.

We talked a bit about sex.  We talked about work.  We talked about parenting.  She talked about her husband.  I told her a couple of my disastrous single mum on the dating scene stories.  She looked at me sympathetically and reassured me that I would find the one .  “It’ll happen when you least expect it” – she said. “He’s just around the corner.”

Why does everyone always say that?

The thing is, I have a friend with whom I can go to the cinema.  I have a theatre buddy…who happens to be a different person from my cinema buddy. I have Sunday roast mates and I have a friend who I occasionally meet at yoga.  I have coffee morning mums with whom I moan about toddlers.  I have a work colleague with whom I share my work woes.  I have a mentor at work who is effectively my career coach and HR counsellor.  I know that I can go on a date and have a short term romantic liaison. I have the support of my parents and family.  I have all of these things that the one can provide, it just that these things are provided by a whole network of wonderful people in my life. 

I like the fact that these multiple roles are played by multiple people.

A life partner may be just around the corner, but I sincerely hope that he isn’t The One .  No one can be everything and no one can have everything that the network of friends, family and colleagues give me. 

A life partner may be just around the corner, he may be a couple of decades away.  If he is a decade or two away that’s just fine, in fact it is more than just fine, it is absolutely wonderful. 

My life is incredibly rich and supported and diverse –  I don’t need The One to make it so. 

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  1. December 5, 2017 / 3:41 am

    This might sound terrible Pen, but I’m increasingly starting to believe that “the one” is bullshit. We all change so much over the course of our lives, I’m not sure I believe anymore. I thought I had found that person, I was wrong, and I’m starting to be OK with it. I think that we are all on our own paths and sometimes there is somebody that we can walk with for a while before those paths diverge. Not a very cheerful way to look at life I suppose, but it’s where I’m at now. Love yourself, love your kids, and find happiness in others where you can. Thats my new philosophy
    jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…Wanting To BelieveMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      December 5, 2017 / 10:06 pm

      I don’t believe in The One either Jeremy. I believe that there may be numerous ‘The One’s’ in our lives, or that we need numerous people and a community to help us to maintain perspective so that we can maintain a healthy and happy relationship with our chosen life partner. Pen x

    • thesingleswan
      December 5, 2017 / 9:58 pm

      Heather, it is such a relief to hear you say that (or to read you write that, but you catch my drift). Thanks Pen x

  2. December 7, 2017 / 4:43 pm

    I believe firmly in The One, and plan on meeting and being with as many The One’s as I can.

    One The One is never enough.

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:23 pm

      haha, I totally agree. I want to meet all of The Ones. Pen

  3. December 7, 2017 / 6:36 pm

    I enjoyed this post. I’m 33 and haven’t found “The One”. But like you say, no one person can be everything. I don’t think it’s healthy to expect your partner to cover all your needs. Thanks for sharing your perspective. 🙂

    Moonsparkle (ZM) recently posted…Getting Ready for WinterMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:22 pm

      Thank you for your lovely comment. pen x

  4. December 8, 2017 / 6:40 pm

    I get that all the time by people too Pen. As a single mom for some reason people think my life isn’t complete until I’ve met a man who can supposedly make my world a better place. What they don’t realize though is that there is a hole in that philosophy. I love where I am at right now. I have made my own world a better place for myself and for my boys. I have no desire to date or bring anyone new into my life and I honestly don’t know if I will for a long time and I’m completely happy about that. I’m just not ready or willing to share my life with “The One” at this point. Why can’t people just be happy that I’m happy? And same for you. I’m so glad you’re happy:) #mg
    Michelle Kellogg recently posted…My Son Found His Inner ArtistMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:21 pm

      Thank you Michelle. I also love where I am right now. I think it took some courage and bravery to get myself here, but I can feel smug that I have arrived. thank you. Pen x

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:20 pm

      Thanks Lisa, as always, for always leaving such lovely comments. Pen x

  5. December 9, 2017 / 5:37 pm

    Singledom is very often viewed as some kind of transitional period, a no mans land.. like if you are single you are searching for ‘the one’ rather than just being single. Sometimes its actually a life choice. Its great if you find the one, and also great if you can find ‘the one’ in many others! x #thesatsesh

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:19 pm

      Thank you. Pen x

  6. Hoon
    December 9, 2017 / 7:30 pm

    I absolutely, totally, 100% agree. It took me a long time to build up my extended support network after my divorce and it was a long, hard and ultimately rewarding road. I will never ever give it up under any circumstances. When I’m asked about what I will do once my daughters fly the nest if I haven’t found the One, I always tell them that I will grow my hair into dreadlocks and join a hippie eco-commune. That usually stops it.

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:19 pm

      Ahaha, Brilliant. xx

  7. December 10, 2017 / 6:55 am

    I whole heartedly agree that no ‘one’ person fills all those needs and passions that we have. It takes a village of people to inspire us, laugh with us, support us and share fun times with. I have a hubby who makes me laugh each and everyday and is so very wonderful, but I’d be lost without my array of friends and family members that I share so much else with. Fabulous post! Thank you so much for linking up with #mg
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…A Blogging Good TimeMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:18 pm

      Thank you Mac. Your hubby sounds wonderful. We all need more laughter in our lives. Pen x

  8. December 10, 2017 / 10:46 am

    What really resonated with me was that no one can really be The One, even if you do have a life partner. You do continue to need your parents and friends to play different roles in your life, without which it probably is a huge burden on just one person and it really leaves everyone involved just sour n frustrated

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:18 pm

      That’s just it, there are so many people in our lives and they all play a different role. I wouldn’t change that for anyone. Pen x

  9. December 10, 2017 / 9:56 pm

    I’ve always been very sceptical about ‘the one’…. and that’s coming from someone who is coming up to celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary. It’s too ‘fairytale’ for me – I much prefer the term ‘lifepartner’ – much less weighted. People don’t need someone else to be complete – life can be fulfilling in many different forms. #thesatsesh xx
    Hayley @ Mission: Mindfulness recently posted…The Saturday Sesh #16My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:17 pm

      Thank you Hayley. Pen x

  10. December 10, 2017 / 10:17 pm

    ‘The One’ needs to be yourself first and foremost. You are the only person that you have to live with permanently. Having a life partner has taught me that and because of that he has become the One for me #anythinggoes

    • thesingleswan
      December 11, 2017 / 10:16 pm

      Oh, you are soooo wise. Thank you. xx

  11. December 14, 2017 / 1:52 pm

    My husband is just one of a few people who make my life great. He has his part to play alongside my friends who just get me in a different way. One isn’t enough. #coolmumclub

    • thesingleswan
      December 14, 2017 / 9:21 pm

      Absolutely! Thanks for your comment Briony. Pen x

  12. December 14, 2017 / 4:52 pm

    I love this post so much. You don’t need the one to complete you. You need YOU to complete you! And sounds like that you’re doing a good job completing you as it goes 😉 thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub Hun and wishing you a Merry Christmas xx

    • thesingleswan
      December 14, 2017 / 9:20 pm

      Thank you. I am glad you enjoyed it. I agree that we need ourselves to complete ourselves. Merry Christmas to you too. Pen x

  13. December 14, 2017 / 5:30 pm

    I have been with my One for over 20 years but that doesn’t mean he is the only person that I share my life with! OMG no thanks!! I think we need lots of different people in our lives and throughout life too, to make our lives more interesting and connected. In different periods of our lives, friends come and go and very few stay forever; that would be crazy. I’m glad I have a partner but he is definately not all I need! I also think that being secure in yourself is so important so in that sense, everyone is different. Enjoy your life as it is yours after all. Take care. #coolmumclub

    • thesingleswan
      December 14, 2017 / 9:19 pm

      It sounds like you have a very happy and healthy relationship. Congratulations. Pen x

  14. December 16, 2017 / 1:21 pm

    Loved and shared this post, thank you!
    Marriage is not all butterflies. It requires effort and compromise. So I’m glad you found all the help and support you needed for parenting and for your selfcare in your social network.
    I cannot believe women still believe they *need* a man to be complete in 2017. Glad you don’t!

    • thesingleswan
      December 17, 2017 / 8:51 pm

      Thank you Paola for your lovely comment. Pen x x

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