I make no bones of the fact that sometimes I would quite like to have a boyfriend. Only sometimes though! Secret single behaviours are those weird things that people do when they are alone, away from the prying eyes of the public and away from the ears of those who may condemn or criticise. My secret single behaviours include sitting on my own on the sofa eating dark Lindt chocolate and drinking wine in the evening. I am not sure I’d be willing to sacrifice those pleasures for anyone and I am not sure that I really need anyone to share them.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I’d quite like to snuggle up on the sofa with someone. I’d also quite like to share the bills and for someone to listen to my rants as I moan about the weather, my commute, Donald Trump or even just the fact that I can’t seem to figure out the thermostat on my new boiler (it just shouldn’t be this complicated).
But it has been nearly three years now and I think I have forgotten how to be in a couple. I have developed a few quirky behaviours that are really not appropriate for coupledom or a relationship.
Yes, these are my secret single behaviours.
I used to change my sheets weekly, but now you are lucky if I change them once a fortnight. Without a man in my bed my sheets still smell fresh a week after I have changed them. There are no beer farts, there is no snot, there is no sweat and there is less hair. I sleep on one side of the bed and always have the option of moving to the other side for the second week.
I have a bath with Cygnet, my three year old son, each evening. I find that jumping in the bath with him is the most efficient way of a) washing his hair – always a battle – and b) getting myself ready for bed so that I can spend more time drinking wine once he has fallen asleep.
Having a bath with Cygnet does mean that I am frequently in my pyjamas by 8pm. This comes as a bit of a shock to the Tesco delivery driver when I answer the door in my black lacy pyjamas at 9pm.
Some evenings, I dance around the living room (yes, wearing my pyjamas) singing along to 1980s tunes with a glass of wine in my hand. You really can’t do that with a live-in boyfriend!
I can spend hours on social media, perusing (read online stalking) the twitter feeds of The Sunday Times Magazine columnist Josh Glancy and the travel programme presenter Simon Reeve (my secret crushes). I have never met either of them but in my head I share lovely lives with both of them. In your secret world relationships don’t have to be monogamous!
I talk to myself. No, I don’t just talk to myself, I talk to people who aren’t there. I often have two sided conversations, it’s just that I play both sides. I pretend I am being interviewed about my life. I write my autobiography out loud.
I wear my ancient ski socks. They are baggy, bobbled and really unattractive, but then I have no one to be attractive for and they keep my feet warm. This is probably my least attractive secret single behaviour.
I eat my food out of a microwave dish to save on the washing up. I still do this even though I have just had a dishwasher fitted in my new kitchen.
I listen to the same song on a loop for hours in a row. My current ‘loop’ song is Cat Stevens’ Wild World.
I do yoga in my underwear. Have you discovered Yoga with Adriene yet?
I can chat with five men simultaneously on various dating apps and it is all fine because I have no intention of meeting any of them in real life.
I can hang really quirky pictures on my wall, and my kitchen floor is also really unusual. Friends come round and comment “your flat is very you”. I don’t think they mean this entirely positively.
I dread to think what any man would think of all of these embarrassing and coupledom-repelling secret single behaviours. I am not sure that I could give them up…except maybe for Josh Glancy or for Simon Reeve.
Josh and/or Simon, if the decade old ski socks are too much for you then just let me know. I am sure we can find a compromise.