Breasts, boobs, bazookas, bosoms and baps

I have small breasts.  My chest is never going to get me a free drink, or out of a parking ticket.   Men talk to my face, because, let’s be honest, there’s little point them looking anywhere else.  As Nora Ephron once wrote in her 1972 essay “A Few Words About Breasts”  “If I had them, I would have been a completely different person”. 

If I had breasts, I’d be less concerned about the wrinkles appearing on my face, the bags under my eyes and the grey hairs growing on my head.   

If I had breasts, I’d spend more money on fancy and varied underwear.  I recently found a bra that feels comfortable and have bought the same bra and knicker set in five different colours.  If you really want to know the brand is Triumph.  They are not the raunchiest but they are comfortable.

If I had breasts, I’d have a wardrobe full of longer skirts.  Legs or breasts but never both –  that is the rule isn’t it?  I am not talking about your choice of cut for your Sunday roast chicken, but rather the dress code that I think all women grew up with.  Flaunt your breasts, or your legs, but never both at once.  Flaunting my breasts was never really an option.  I have a selection of mini-skirts in my wardrobe.

breasts

A few facts (and some nonsense) about breasts

Apparently the most popular bra size in the UK is a 36D.  A decade ago it was a 34B.  Worldwide it is a B. 

Google says that peanut butter makes your breasts bigger!  We need protein to mend and replenish the cells in our breasts and peanut butter is full of protein.  I’ve eaten a lot of peanut butter in my time.  It has never helped me. This is surely rubbish. 

Most women have one breast larger than the other and for some reason it is usually the left breast that is larger.  Yes, this is me, my left breast is larger than my right.  I am not the only one!

A few facts (and some nonsense) about bras

The term brassiere was first used in 1893.  Vogue magazine used the term brassiere in 1907 and by 1911 the word had made its way into the Oxford English Dictionary.  

The French for bra is “soutien-gorge”, which literally translates as ‘throat support’.  See, the French language isn’t always sexy!

About 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size.

The design of bras assumes that both breasts are equally sized and symmetrical.  This is crazy, given that most women have one breast larger than the other.  No wonder 80% of us are wearing the wrong bra size.  We are probably just confused about which breast we are supposed to be buying for. 

And finally, just while I am on the subject of bras, isn’t it about time someone designed something a little more comfortable, practical, easier to get on and for others to get off…? And without those goddamn hooks that get caught in your favourite lace top in the washing machine.  Yes, the kind lady in John Lewis did tell me I should hand-wash my Triumph bras, but I don’t have time for hand-washing.  Who does?

breasts

A few final words about my breasts

Despite their petiteness, I am now rather fond of my breasts.  They may be lopsided, and after two years of breastfeeding a little less pert than their younger selves, but they’ve done some amazing things.  They’ve served me well.  They’ve made food for another human being and delivered it to him.  Compared to other parts of my body, my breasts are amazing, total overachievers. 

Maybe I should treat my breasts to some pretty lace.  They have done me proud. 

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34 Comments

  1. August 9, 2017 / 10:40 pm

    Nice blog there ! Congrats !
    Im from Paris. Peace
    Tony

    • thesingleswan
      August 10, 2017 / 7:34 pm

      Thank you.

  2. August 11, 2017 / 8:31 am

    I have a wardrobe with lots of low cut tops and not a mini skirt in sight! There are several downsides to ample breast too unfortunately. I totally agree though, which boib do we size for?! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolucs

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:30 pm

      haha, then you are the opposite of me. thanks Pen x

  3. August 11, 2017 / 9:10 am

    Personally I much prefer having little breasts. I can wear tops without a bra and they haven’t sagged as much after pregnancy as they would have done otherwise! Xxx

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:29 pm

      Hi Vicky, you are lucky. My breasts are small, but not so small that pregnancy and breastfeeding haven’t made them sag. i would definitely never go out without a bra on. Pen x

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:28 pm

      Thanks. Pen x

  4. August 11, 2017 / 1:23 pm

    Here in the U.S. the most popular bra size is 36C. Only a cup down from you guys but I went to Victoria’s Secret and had my breasts sized because I kept buying the wrong bras for me. It doesn’t help that different brands make bras different sizes then say they’re 36C when they actually aren’t. So going to Victoria’s secret was helpful. The lady said I’m a 34D but that my sister size was a 36C. I didn’t even know there was a sister size. She said its because of the different brands making bras either bigger or smaller than the actual size. I still have to try bras on before I can buy them so I know which size works for me. I did find a nice bra brand that I really like for the lacy bras but for the comfortable bras I go to a different brand. So I have two different brands of bras in my dresser lol #stayclassymama
    Michelle Kellogg recently posted…My New Blog Planner: Free Printables IncludedMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:27 pm

      OMG, a bra size and then a sister bra size for when your bra size is the wrong size. This is crazy! Pen x

  5. August 11, 2017 / 2:31 pm

    Give your breasts a pat on the ba…well, tell ’em good job!:))

    #fridayfrolics

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:26 pm

      Thanks. Pen x

  6. August 11, 2017 / 7:00 pm

    I hate my big boobies, a right pain when running. I am jealous you have small boobies – now is the time with all them beautiful bralettes 🙂 X #stayclassymama

    • thesingleswan
      August 11, 2017 / 7:26 pm

      Sorry, I am impressed you are running though. I don’t. Pen x

  7. August 11, 2017 / 9:13 pm

    We probably wear the wrong size bra because no bra seems to fit the same, they all seem to be different. No get yourself those laces bras!! #TriumphantTales

    • thesingleswan
      August 12, 2017 / 8:00 pm

      Thanks Jo. Pen x

  8. August 12, 2017 / 11:38 am

    Flat as a board, but what is there still points north. I was never sad by that. In fact, I think a larger set would just make my neck and back hurt worse. Now if I was supposed to get legs, since I missed out on the top two, who do I call? <3 #ThatFridayLinky xo
    Lisa Pomerantz recently posted…Waking Up is Hard, With YouMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      August 12, 2017 / 7:58 pm

      haha, thanks Lisa. Pen x

  9. August 12, 2017 / 1:41 pm

    Yes to celebrating our boobies in all their sizes and beauty. We are all guilty of putting things off with the view that when x happens I’ll do y. Go for life now! Funnily enough my boobs are now 32E and I wish they were smaller! x

    • thesingleswan
      August 12, 2017 / 7:58 pm

      Thanks for your comment Vicki. Pen x

  10. August 13, 2017 / 9:03 pm

    Great read really interesting Thank you for linking to #ThatFridayLinky Please come back next week for
    Nige recently posted…My Sunday PhotoMy Profile

  11. August 14, 2017 / 8:13 am

    Love this post and what interesting ‘facts’ (although the peanut butter one did make me laugh). I definitely feel comfortable in my own skin the older I’ve got. 20 years of angst in my teens and twenties are now definitely behind me X #MG

    • thesingleswan
      August 14, 2017 / 8:36 pm

      I know, I really giggled when I read that. Pen x

  12. August 14, 2017 / 12:41 pm

    You have inspired me to treat myself, believe me it is needed 😉 I agree we need a better design though! #mg

    • thesingleswan
      August 14, 2017 / 8:35 pm

      Go on, treat yourself. Pen x

  13. August 15, 2017 / 2:35 pm

    I have very small breasts too but I must say I rather like them. Unlike big ones they are still pointing the right direction after breastfeeding both my kids and they never get in the way 🙂 Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama

    • thesingleswan
      August 16, 2017 / 6:35 pm

      You sound like you have the perfect breasts. Do you want to swap? xx

  14. August 16, 2017 / 6:24 am

    Peanut butter, hmm who would have thought? I always had great breasts, not massive, not tiny, a good handful that sat perky, so really unless the top was see through, or particularly ‘nipple showing’ I was happy to go out braless. I started to get mad at my breasts though once I had babies. It became a love hate relationship actually. Throughout my pregnancy they never changed, they sat perky and pretty, but weren’t they supposed to grow???? My milk never ‘came in’, I could produce around 20 to 30 ml and that was it. My babies latched on perfect, their technique and mine was fantastic, but the milk just wasn’t flowing. After seeing specialists and trying natural remedies and medication still not enough milk. I pumped, I fed night and day, if I could try something I would, and did. I hoped it would be different with baby 2 and 3 but not to be. I fed them as much as I could and then topped them up with formula, all the while feeling like my breasts had failed me, and them. Yes they are still perky and yes I have no stretch marks and I can still go without a bra, despite being a Dcup they still sit up. But I would rather wear ugly bras and have saggy tits and have been able to breastfeed more than 30ml per feed. So yes, love/hate them. I do wear bras when I have to, like to work and out and about, I like pretty ones as they make me feel better. Anyway I will stop blabbing on now!! Thanks for linking up xx #mg
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…checking in with yourselfMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      August 16, 2017 / 6:33 pm

      Mac, You’re not blabbing! And don’t be so hard on yourself. Breastfeeding is damn hard, and when it is so hard it really is not the best thing for either you or your baby. Stop beating your breasts up. They sound perfect. pen x

  15. August 17, 2017 / 4:23 pm

    Loved this! I knew most people had one bigger but that it was usually the left one. And the peanut butter thing I definitely didn’t know!
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes 🙂
    Debbie
    Random Musings recently posted…5 Things Only Fiction Writers UnderstandMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      August 17, 2017 / 10:14 pm

      thanks Debbie . Pen x

  16. August 17, 2017 / 8:42 pm

    Mine fluctuate so much with my weight! They seem to be the first things that go or grow!

    • thesingleswan
      August 17, 2017 / 10:14 pm

      You are lucky, when I put on weight it goes to my bum, tummy and thighs. I’d love it to go to my boobs. Pen x

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