I have small breasts. My chest is never going to get me a free drink, or out of a parking ticket. Men talk to my face, because, let’s be honest, there’s little point them looking anywhere else. As Nora Ephron once wrote in her 1972 essay “A Few Words About Breasts” “If I had them, I would have been a completely different person”.
If I had breasts, I’d be less concerned about the wrinkles appearing on my face, the bags under my eyes and the grey hairs growing on my head.
If I had breasts, I’d spend more money on fancy and varied underwear. I recently found a bra that feels comfortable and have bought the same bra and knicker set in five different colours. If you really want to know the brand is Triumph. They are not the raunchiest but they are comfortable.
If I had breasts, I’d have a wardrobe full of longer skirts. Legs or breasts but never both – that is the rule isn’t it? I am not talking about your choice of cut for your Sunday roast chicken, but rather the dress code that I think all women grew up with. Flaunt your breasts, or your legs, but never both at once. Flaunting my breasts was never really an option. I have a selection of mini-skirts in my wardrobe.
A few facts (and some nonsense) about breasts
Apparently the most popular bra size in the UK is a 36D. A decade ago it was a 34B. Worldwide it is a B.
Google says that peanut butter makes your breasts bigger! We need protein to mend and replenish the cells in our breasts and peanut butter is full of protein. I’ve eaten a lot of peanut butter in my time. It has never helped me. This is surely rubbish.
Most women have one breast larger than the other and for some reason it is usually the left breast that is larger. Yes, this is me, my left breast is larger than my right. I am not the only one!
A few facts (and some nonsense) about bras
The term brassiere was first used in 1893. Vogue magazine used the term brassiere in 1907 and by 1911 the word had made its way into the Oxford English Dictionary.
The French for bra is “soutien-gorge”, which literally translates as ‘throat support’. See, the French language isn’t always sexy!
About 80% of women are wearing the wrong bra size.
The design of bras assumes that both breasts are equally sized and symmetrical. This is crazy, given that most women have one breast larger than the other. No wonder 80% of us are wearing the wrong bra size. We are probably just confused about which breast we are supposed to be buying for.
And finally, just while I am on the subject of bras, isn’t it about time someone designed something a little more comfortable, practical, easier to get on and for others to get off…? And without those goddamn hooks that get caught in your favourite lace top in the washing machine. Yes, the kind lady in John Lewis did tell me I should hand-wash my Triumph bras, but I don’t have time for hand-washing. Who does?
A few final words about my breasts
Despite their petiteness, I am now rather fond of my breasts. They may be lopsided, and after two years of breastfeeding a little less pert than their younger selves, but they’ve done some amazing things. They’ve served me well. They’ve made food for another human being and delivered it to him. Compared to other parts of my body, my breasts are amazing, total overachievers.
Maybe I should treat my breasts to some pretty lace. They have done me proud.