To the men of Tinder, this is why I didn’t reply

To the men of Tinder, this is why I didn’t reply:

You wrote, “Really sorry, but I need to reschedule our date tonight as I now need to attend a client event in place of someone else.  Hope we can reschedule soon.”   I had arranged a babysitter and you let me down 2 hours before we were due to meet … by text message.  (You can read my tips for dating a single mother here.)

You wrote, “Hi there, how’s you?  I wondered how many other women on Tinder had received the same message from you in the last hour. 

You had only one picture; I didn’t trust you.

You told me about your career selling racehorses.

Within two minutes you asked me when I was free to meet.

You decided not to bother with photos, you opted for cartoons.

You said you were “happy I was not sending any topless photos… just yet (wink emoticon).

You predicted that the next step in viral dating apps would be being able to smell prospective dates as well as see photos of them.  This made me think of the novel Perfume by Patrick Süskind in which the main protagonist is a mass murderer.

You joked that you were a librarian by day and a stripper by night. You actually worked in finance and found it boring.

When I said that I had just poured myself a glass of wine and had to do some ironing, you said I sounded “sexy”.  I was somewhat baffled.

You joked that if you had to be a criminal you would be “a drug king pin in South America:  great weather, white marble houses with lots of grounds and platters of fruit.”  I worried about both your morality and your naivety.  I believe there is such a thing as a criminal with morality.

You asked whether I wanted diamond encrusted panties for Christmas.  I refrained from telling you about my post-pregnancy episiotomy scar and haemorrhoids.

You sent me a photo of your erect penis. 

You told me about your heated clothes drier (no joke, no irony).

You asked whether I would be your sex toy. 

Your profile comprised of six selfies. 

You were one of the 60% of men on Tinder with a photo of their baby niece or nephew (“don’t worry, the baby is my niece”).

You profile text consisted of nothing but emoticons.  I wondered whether you could speak at all.

You only had photos of yourself in halloween fancy dress.

You had a photo of yourself coming out of the sea in very tight swimming trunks à la Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.

You were holding two light sabres.

You had no photo at all….ummm.

You had a photo of yourself in front of a urinal…

You also had a photo of yourself in front of a urinal.

You were the third man in one evening to have a photo of yourself in front of a urinal and the urinal didn’t even look clean. 

You had a photo of yourself shooting an AK47. 

You lied about your age. 

Your opening gambit was to message me the song lyrics to James Blunt’s ‘you’re beautiful’ :

You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful

You’re beautiful, it’s true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don’t know what to do

‘Cause I’ll never be with you.    

You’re right about that!

I just couldn’t be bothered.

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80 Comments

  1. January 11, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    Fab. You poor thing. What a bunch of morons. Internet dating has clearly moved on and is an obstacle course of fools! Good luck (stick with the red wine and ironing!) #FartGlitter

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:10 am

      Unfortunately, I think the ironing is sticking with me and the red wine and I are very good friends and will stick together through thick and thin. thanks for your comment. x

  2. January 11, 2016 / 9:40 pm

    Nothing screams “marriage material” like a man taking a selfie of himself brandishing an AK47 in front of a urinal.

    Then again, I’m pretty sure that I have waxed lyrical about my heated towel rail on occasion. I think I may have just realised why I’m still single! #fartglitter
    Min recently posted…New Year, New Me? Let’s wind the clock back, and look at the evidence…My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:09 am

      Hi Min,

      I did actually engage in the heated towel rail conversation for a bid and then I realised that I was just really bored, so I stopped. Thanks for your comment. Pen x

  3. January 11, 2016 / 9:51 pm

    I’d apologize on behalf of the decent guys out there, but I’m too busy laughing. I’ve been out of the game for a while now, but I can’t imagine these moves work very often
    jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…All Dads Cry, Even PresidentsMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:08 am

      No need to apologise, I laughed too when I read the messages and looked at the profiles. Life is nothing if not amusing. thanks for your comment.

      • July 12, 2016 / 7:20 pm

        If nothing else, this post gives me some pointers on what not to do if I am ever back out there. The lightsabers not being sexy is one in particular I’m going to have to file away….back visiting from #KCACOLS
        jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…Girls Are Disgusting TooMy Profile

        • thesingleswan
          July 12, 2016 / 9:07 pm

          Yes, file your lightsaber away if you are ever back out there – duh, obviously. 😉

          Pen

  4. January 11, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    That sounds like hell. Are there any real mean on these sites??

    It could be worse, one of my friends used Gadar and let me see what he was being sent. I consider myself pretty unshockable but this turned out to be a real eye-opening experience!!!! I still cringe and feel nauseous now just thinking about it.

    Best of luck #mg
    Harry’s Honest Mummy recently posted…Magic Moments #2My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:06 am

      Ah, now one of my male friends is on Gaydar, I think that is a different type of site, as is grinder another gay equivalent. I like to kid myself that not everyone on Tinder just wants sex. I may or may not be right. thanks for your comment.

  5. January 11, 2016 / 11:50 pm

    A) This is an awesome post; it made me laugh, and in fact, I’m still chuckling, shaking my head, and thanking the gods that I’m not in the dating scene.
    B) You are the only other living person I’ve ever “met” who read Perfume. That book has stayed with me in the twenty or so years since I’ve read it, and find it coming back to me at the oddest of times.
    OneDizzyBee recently posted…Cauliflower Crust Pizza! It’s Low Carb and Gluten FreeMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:05 am

      Great. I am glad I made you laugh. that was obviously my aim. These comments made me laugh when I received them and I had to share. They are just so ridiculous. And Perfume is an excellent book and it comes back to me at odd times too, like when guys message me on Tinder. x

  6. January 12, 2016 / 1:26 am

    I’ve never been on tinder…I think I’m glad about this! I am partially feeling sympathy for you having to read this crap…and partially just laughing my arse off because the idiots are funny! Sorry! #anythinggoes
    Silly Mummy recently posted…We’re All Mad HereMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:03 am

      There’s no need to feel sympathy, I find it funny too. You have to laugh – some of it is just ridiculous. x

  7. January 12, 2016 / 2:12 am

    One of my friends and I had a whole series of jokes about the men with bathroom selfies that include a fish shower curtain.

    Then there is the “I’m a feminist who is looking to get laid” guys.

    Then the ones that only do group pics.

    Or you have only pictures taken from a distance with sunglasses on. Or for that matter, a picture of you in a club with sunglasses on.

    Or the ones that only message you between 1am – 5 am…never during normal waking hours (let’s graciously say 6am and 10 pm).

    Yeah…Tinder…it’s something else.
    Modern Belle recently posted…When dating is easyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:02 am

      Ah, group pics. I hate them. You never know which man is trying to date. I automatically swipe left when I see a group pic. Thanks for your comment.

  8. January 12, 2016 / 12:47 pm

    My personal bugbear is when they post photos of themselves astride huge motorbikes. Or, even worse, just the motor bike ON ITS OWN!
    Clare @ The Dorset Divorcee recently posted…Why I Hate JanuaryMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 13, 2016 / 12:00 am

      Ah yes, the motorbike and car photo. I’ve seen a few of them. They scream penis extension and my vehicle is more important than any future partner. NOT a catch. Thanks for your comment. Pen x

  9. January 12, 2016 / 1:18 pm

    And I’m sure that somewhere in a different universe someone is complaining to his mates that he can’t understand why the ladies aren’t queuing up …! Grim

    • thesingleswan
      January 12, 2016 / 11:58 pm

      Yes, in fact I suspect said individuals are less than 18 kilometres away from my current location (you get a location update on Tinder too – whoop de do! ) Thanks for your comment.

  10. January 12, 2016 / 10:48 pm

    I can’t bear ‘how’s you’ so creepy reminds me of an ex! I can’t imagine what it must be like, there must be some decent ones out there – surely? Very funny post but not funny for you although you must have been mildly entertained. I’m amazed, although I’ve heard similar stories from friends. Makes you want to curl up in your onesie with your head in a bottle of Prosecco doesn’t it #anythinggoes
    Nicky Kentisbeer recently posted…Missing With Your Kissing?My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 12, 2016 / 11:56 pm

      HI Nicky,

      thanks for the comment. It was funny for me too – you have to see the funny side to these escapades otherwise what is the point? But yes, I agree, the onesie and a bottle of Prosecco sounds like a wonderful idea…and something I indulge in far too often already. thanks again Pen x

  11. January 13, 2016 / 2:54 am

    Oh my. I’m not sure if it was your intention but this was hilarious. I’m equally sad and not sad I was married off before the arrival of dating apps. I really enjoy playing with my single friends’ on nights out though. Wishing you some better matches in the future!

    Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter x
    Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted…‘Overheard in an Inverness Supermarket……’My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 18, 2016 / 8:00 pm

      Hi, yes, rest assured, it was supposed to be funny. You have to see the funny side of these situations and lets be honest, they do provide great blogging material. Thanks also for featuring me on your #fartglitter linky – much appreciated. x

  12. January 17, 2016 / 1:31 am

    Well done you! So glad you ignored these losers, my friend met a guy on Tinder a while ago they are so happy and he is awesome, she was about to give up and he popped up and was so genuine. There are great guys out there, and for now stay your sexy red wine drinking ironing self, you are brilliant xx Thanks for sharing #mg
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…be gratefulMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 18, 2016 / 7:55 pm

      Ahhh, thanks for your compliments. I am smiling from ear to ear. Anytime you feel like boosting my confidence you are more than welcome to leave a comment here.
      I am really glad your friend met someone great on Tinder. There are some decent ones on there, I am sure. You just have to be patient! thanks again for the comment.

  13. January 23, 2016 / 1:25 am

    Oh this made me laugh! I actually feel a bit sorry for the one or two genuine guys on Tinder. By the time women have had to trawl through this lot, they won’t give anyone a chance and who can blame them.
    I must admit I kind of found the librarian by day stripper by night pretty funny. I might have replied to him 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #effitfriday
    Debbie
    Random Musings recently posted…Avon Haul 6My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      January 24, 2016 / 11:08 am

      Hi Debbie, I did actually reply to the librarian by day and stripper by night. He turned out to be quite dull. He was also the one who started talking about his heated drier for his clothes. All good amusement value. I am sure there will be another Tinder instalment to my single mum dating series soon. Thanks for your comment. x

        • thesingleswan
          January 30, 2016 / 9:08 pm

          Hi Sassy,

          thanks for your comment. I am glad you enjoyed it. I will keep you updated. Pen x

  14. February 8, 2016 / 9:00 am

    Ouch! But so funny, so if you didn’t get a date you’ll at least have some great stuff for here. I salute you for trying. And I’ll keep my fingers crossed you will find the right one at some point, someone who’s kind, funny, doesn’t have a thing for urinals, respects you, your time and your role as a mum. Good luck hun xxx

    Nadia – ScandiMummy
    Nadia – ScandiMummy recently posted…MAGIC MOMENT MONDAYSMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      February 14, 2016 / 10:14 pm

      thank you. x

  15. July 9, 2016 / 9:50 pm

    Funny post Pen, It’s a shame for blokes in general because a few of them on the sites just make the rest of the male population look like dicks because of the way they act on there. Mind you I’ve got some of my best dinner party stories from my time going on dates from various sites;) x

    mainy

    #KCACOLS
    mainy – myrealfairy recently posted…Fantasy Dinner Party Guest ListMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      July 10, 2016 / 8:56 pm

      Hi Mainy,

      Yes you are right. Tinder is worth it just so I have some really funny stories to share with my girlfriends on a night out. Pen x

    • thesingleswan
      July 10, 2016 / 8:54 pm

      Hi Alex,

      I didn’t ask him what it was about ironing that he found sexy.

      Having said that, I do have a massive ironing pile, I can’t say that I would necessarily find a man who did my ironing sexy, but it would certainly make me like him…A LOT.

      Pen x

  16. July 10, 2016 / 11:20 am

    Oh good grief – Tinder sounds soul destroying. However, on the positive it made for a brilliantly funny post. So for my selfish reasons I would urge you to stay on Tinder, never date any of them but keep sharing your tinder stories #KCACOLS
    Emma recently posted…Review of The HoxtonMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      July 10, 2016 / 8:49 pm

      Hi Emma,

      Yes, you are right, Tinder is a great source of dating anecdotes, just not men that you’d ever want to meet. More to follow soon I think. Pen x

  17. July 12, 2016 / 5:55 am

    Fab post! Tinder sounds very entertaining, the things people say would make a good tv show! #KCACOLS

    • thesingleswan
      July 12, 2016 / 9:09 pm

      Oh goodness, I hadn’t thought of a TV show. I was thinking maybe a follow up blog post. Pen x

  18. July 12, 2016 / 6:37 am

    What a load of twats! Are they for real?!! Loved this by the way! I don’t understand men (at all, my husband would prop agree) but it must be a bloody minefield. Saying that, none of them are normal all in book, they’re all weird and self obsessed #KCACOLS
    The Unsung Mum recently posted…Why Us Mothers Are All Child Abusing Knobs…ApparentlyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      July 12, 2016 / 9:09 pm

      Ha ha, indeed they are. Thanks for your comment. Pen x

  19. July 12, 2016 / 6:08 pm

    Haha I bet the taxi driver that once tried to chat me up by telling me about the time he’d punched a hole in the wall is on Tinder! #KCACOLS

    • thesingleswan
      July 12, 2016 / 9:08 pm

      Yep, probably. I’ll let you know if I meet him. eeeek Pen x

  20. July 12, 2016 / 10:10 pm

    I like to think that it’s just the sense of distance provided by the internet / text that leads to men acting like this, but I fear some of them would be exactly the same in person! The smell thing is particularly creepy, though I did feel strangely drawn to the guy with the heated clothes drier… 😉

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday!
    Jess Powell (Babi a Fi) recently posted…New Moons SindyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      July 12, 2016 / 11:01 pm

      Hi Jess, thanks so much for your comment. I am intrigued that you feel strangely drawn to the guy with the heated clothes drier…I didn’t. Pen x

  21. July 13, 2016 / 11:21 am

    Well, these are a bunch of comments and responses to make you laugh rather than date. Think I’d be sticking to the wine for one rather than any of these ridiculous tinderers. I have a book to read called ‘Love me Tinder’. I think its going to be quite amusing.
    Amanda. #kcacols

    • thesingleswan
      July 14, 2016 / 9:13 pm

      Love me Tinder – great. Let me know how it is. Pen x

    • thesingleswan
      July 14, 2016 / 9:12 pm

      Well Jenni, I have found that it is great material for blog posts. There’ll be updates soon. Pen x

  22. July 14, 2016 / 11:47 pm

    Tinder sounds scary! I dont blame you for not replying to any of those, I wouldnt either lol. Emily #KCACOLS

  23. July 15, 2016 / 10:01 am

    And for all those reasons above is why I gave up on internet dating a long, long time ago! I have never used Tinder and after reading this I probably never will. #kcacols
    tracey bowden recently posted…Subscription Box WishlistMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      July 17, 2016 / 9:20 pm

      Hi Tracey,

      You are very wise to give up internet dating. The thing is, in this day and age, I just don’t know how you are supposed to meet anyone… Thanks for your comment. Pen x

  24. July 15, 2016 / 2:34 pm

    Oh my goodness, this made me giggle. What are the men of the world thinking?! Although I have to say my brother does like his heated clothes rail… #KCACOLS

    • thesingleswan
      July 17, 2016 / 9:19 pm

      Hi Kate,

      Yes, my brother is quite fond of his heated clothes rail. I am not sure he’d use it as a discussion point on Tinder though… Pen x

  25. September 1, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    I don’t know weather to laugh at the hilarity of this post, or cry at the fact these men exist! I did laugh though. Sorry! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:29 pm

      Hi Claire, You were meant to laugh. Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes Tinder makes me laugh so much that I cry. Pen x

  26. September 1, 2016 / 9:53 pm

    Hahahah omg. Come on some of them seem legit. Who doesn’t want to play with light sabers or take pictures of urinals. #fridayfrolics

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:28 pm

      Maybe I am just being picky. Thank goodness I enjoy being single. Pen x

  27. September 1, 2016 / 10:34 pm

    Gawd…there really are some whackos out there. If only a glass of wine doing the ironing were sexy, but HELLO!! #FridayFrolics
    Mummy Muckups (Anna) recently posted…A REAL THIGH SLAPPERMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:27 pm

      Crazy isn’t it. Pen x

  28. September 2, 2016 / 6:37 am

    This still makes me cringe and laugh! The profile pictures are all always the best too. The ones with them posing next to a super fast power car or astride a powerful motorbike (that they probably just happened to be walking by) that basically shouts “I have a tiny willy but look I can drive fast cars. Vroooooooom” #FridayFrolics
    Emma recently posted…Killed by men, silenced by patriarchyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:27 pm

      I know crazy isn’t it. There are so many photos of sedated tigers, red ferraris, urinals, motorbike, topless shots in the gym that it makes me want to cry. Pen x

  29. September 2, 2016 / 9:15 am

    Wow – online dating is a minefield. I met my husband 13 years ago so I missed the whole online-dating thing – and I’m glad I did. Yikes. A picture in front of a urinal? Really? #FridayFrolics
    Squirmy Popple recently posted…How to tame the toddler tantrum beastMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:25 pm

      Yes really, and quite a few of them. What is wrong with men? Pen x

  30. September 2, 2016 / 7:41 pm

    Oh how awful! There has got to be a better way! You need a yenta to match make for you! Oy! #fridayfrolics

    • thesingleswan
      September 2, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      Good blogging stories though if nothing else. Pen x

  31. September 8, 2016 / 12:08 am

    Still love this! Still never been on tinder. Am now single. Think I may still avoid tinder!

    Thanks so much for joining us on #Fridayfrolics. Hope to see you next time
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Friday Frolics – 2nd September 2016My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      September 8, 2016 / 8:34 pm

      Tinder is good for blogging material… Don’t rule it out for post-fodder even if your dates are disastrous. Pen x

  32. September 14, 2017 / 8:03 pm

    Ahhhh Tinder! I’ve recently formed a love/hate relationship with it. I received two addresses within 20 minutes of matching the other night. It’s actually crazy. But I’m guessing these men must be successful occasionally or surely they’d change tack – wouldn’t they??

    Loving your posts, I think I’m becoming a fan…!
    Phoenix Robinson recently posted…G-spotMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      September 14, 2017 / 8:55 pm

      Haha, brilliant thanks. I love the idea of a blog entitled “Sex on the internet”. I am on my way over to check it out. Pen x

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