Sometimes I don’t like myself very much.
Now this isn’t going to turn into the kind of post where I get all morose because I have a bad job, I failed academically, I am a single mum, I have spots and bags under my eyes, I have horrendous roots, I am poor, I probably drink too much etc.
In fact most of the above isn’t true. I don’t have a bad job, I did quite well at school and at University, I am a single mum and I am proud to be one, I do have the odd spot and I have bags under my eyes, I also have horrendous roots at the moment (I will be getting them sorted on saturday). I wouldn’t say I am rich, but I wouldn’t say I am poor either. I drink more than the doctor orders, but then the doctor is very stingy when pouring out a glass of wine.
But, trivia aside, not liking yourself is actually quite serious. You are the only person who you can never get away from. You are with yourself 24/7. There is no respite in the shower, or in the toilet, you can’t pop yourself in front of the television to be quiet, because when your mind is racing, it is anything but quiet.
Today I don’t like myself very much because I was quite unkind to my ex about a new picture that he has on his wall.
He has had a photo blown up and printed onto canvas. The photo was taken on Boxing Day nearly two years ago. I should know, I was there. In fact I was five weeks pregnant at the time.
The photo is of a red fishing boat on Stangford Lough in Northern Ireland. It was a really sunny, but crisply cold day and the sky was a fantastic winter blue. The lough was totally still and the red fishing boat was reflected in the water. There is a single seagull flying overhead. It is a very serene image. The composition of the photo is perfect. The boat is just off to the left and the shores of the lough frame the image.
Unfortunately, the photo was taken on an i-phone. The photo would look great on Facebook or Twitter, but when blown up and printed on 40cm wide canvas the lines of the fishing boat in the water are not crisp, they are fuzzy, the seagull is a bit cloudy and the colours are just a bit dull.
I told my ex this. Well not in quite so much detail, but I did say that you could see that the photo had been taken on an i-phone rather than an SLR camera. Now, this may not sound very unkind, but if I had just moved into a new house, had been sourcing new artwork for my walls and someone, actually not just someone, my ex, the one who left me, came along and slagged off my photography skills, I would probably be a little upset. I reflected on this as I walked home from collecting my son from my ex’s and it is for this reason that I don’t like myself very much this evening. Sometimes, this single swan can be a bit catty, a bit of a bitch.
I don’t know why I did it to be honest. What was the point? What was I seeking to achieve? Was I trying to make him feel bad? Was I mocking him? Was I mocking the fact that he had chosen a photo taken on a day we were together and actually when things were kind of okay? What’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he move on? It is probably best not to psychoanalyse things. I don’t like my ex very much, that is all there is to it, today I showed him that I don’t like him very much. We were hardly under any illusions that we are best buddies. That’s not the point though. My unkindness was unnecessary, that is the point.
What I am most disappointed at myself about is that this is not the behaviour that I want my son to witness and adopt. We are fortunate that he is only 14 months old and he won’t have picked up on the undertone of the conversation about pixels. He does pick up on things though. Although he doesn’t yet give a great deal back (he is not speaking yet) I know that he understands things. I know that he understands a few words.
I very much doubt that my ex will lose much, if any, sleep over this, but I don’t like myself very much this evening, so I might.