Sometimes I don’t like myself very much

Sometimes I don’t like myself very much. 

Now this isn’t going to turn into the kind of post where I get all morose because I have a bad job, I failed academically, I am a single mum, I have spots and bags under my eyes, I have horrendous roots, I am poor, I probably drink too much etc. 

In fact most of the above isn’t true.  I don’t have a bad job, I did quite well at school and at University, I am a single mum and I am proud to be one, I do have the odd spot and I have bags under my eyes, I also have horrendous roots at the moment (I will be getting them sorted on saturday).  I wouldn’t say I am rich, but I wouldn’t say I am poor either.  I drink more than the doctor orders, but then the doctor is very stingy when pouring out a glass of wine. 

But, trivia aside, not liking yourself is actually quite serious.  You are the only person who you can never get away from.  You are with yourself 24/7.  There is no respite in the shower, or in the toilet, you can’t pop yourself in front of the television to be quiet, because when your mind is racing, it is anything but quiet.

Today I don’t like myself very much because I was quite unkind to my ex about a new picture that he has on his wall. 

He has had a photo blown up and printed onto canvas. The photo was taken on Boxing Day nearly two years ago.  I should know, I was there.  In fact I was five weeks pregnant at the time. 

The photo is of a red fishing boat on Stangford Lough in Northern Ireland.  It was a really sunny, but crisply cold day and the sky was a fantastic winter blue.  The lough was totally still and the red fishing boat was reflected in the water.  There is a single seagull flying overhead.  It is a very serene image.   The composition of the photo is perfect.  The boat is just off to the left and the shores of the lough frame the image.

This isn't THE photo.  I don't have a copy, but THE photo is a bit like this.

This isn’t THE photo. I don’t have a copy, but THE photo is a bit like this.

Unfortunately, the photo was taken on an i-phone.  The photo would look great on Facebook or Twitter, but when blown up and printed on 40cm wide canvas the lines of the fishing boat in the water are not crisp, they are fuzzy, the seagull is a bit cloudy and the colours are just a bit dull.

I told my ex this.  Well not in quite so much detail, but I did say that you could see that the photo had been taken on an i-phone rather than an SLR camera.  Now, this may not sound very unkind, but if I had just moved into a new house, had been sourcing new artwork for my walls and someone, actually not just someone, my ex, the one who left me, came along and slagged off my photography skills, I would probably be a little upset. I reflected on this as I walked home from collecting my son from my ex’s and it is for this reason that I don’t like myself very much this evening. Sometimes, this single swan can be a bit catty, a bit of a bitch. 

I don’t know why I did it to be honest.  What was the point?  What was I seeking to achieve?  Was I trying to make him feel bad?  Was I mocking him?  Was I mocking the fact that he had chosen a photo taken on a day we were together and actually when things were kind of okay?  What’s wrong with him?  Why doesn’t he move on?   It is probably best not to psychoanalyse things.  I don’t like my ex very much, that is all there is to it, today I showed him that I don’t like him very much.  We were hardly under any illusions that we are best buddies.  That’s not the point though.  My unkindness was unnecessary, that is the point. 

What I am most disappointed at myself about is that this is not the behaviour that I want my son to witness and adopt.  We are fortunate that he is only 14 months old and he won’t have picked up on the undertone of the conversation about pixels.  He does pick up on things though.  Although he doesn’t yet give a great deal back (he is not speaking yet) I know that he understands things.  I know that he understands a few words. 

I very much doubt that my ex will lose much, if any, sleep over this, but I don’t like myself very much this evening, so I might.

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  1. November 16, 2015 / 10:03 pm

    Ah, don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure, like you said, it’ll be forgotten soon enough. Or, it may have even been construed as constructive criticism? Anyways, sounds like it was a pretty awesome picture 🙂 x #babybrainmonday x
    Gianna recently posted…November is Awareness MonthMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 16, 2015 / 10:24 pm

      thanks. xx

  2. November 16, 2015 / 10:54 pm

    I hope you feel better having written it all out (writing = therapy!) I totally hear you on worrying about what your son picks up. My daughter is 16 months old now and I have noticed that when a conversation begins to get heated, or voices get louder… she screams or something to divert our attention! Or she gets up and starts walking away. It makes me feel awful and I vow never to do it again but… we’re only human, right? #babybrainmonday

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:57 pm

      Hi, thank you.

      Yes, you are right. It is amazing what they pick up. My Mum was a bit upset the other day when I saw her and Cygnet could sense that something was a little bit different. He was probably wondering why he was not the centre of attention. His eyes were darting from Grandma to Mummy and back again. It was really interesting.

      Thanks for your comment.

  3. November 17, 2015 / 12:48 am

    I could be way off on this, but maybe you said it to him because it was your honest opinion, and he used to be your significant other, so you had this moment where you forgot that your relationship now needs to be polite rather than honest.
    Regardless, don’t beat yourself up too much. Your son is too young to form this as a permanent memory or to even understand why it could be considered insulting.
    You want to do better, and you will, Pen. Lovely post.
    Bekah Rigby recently posted…Paris Is The Rich White Girl Who Got Kidnapped Coming Home From Private School…My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:54 pm

      Thank you. Loving your recent blog posts by the way. xx

  4. November 19, 2015 / 12:54 pm

    I think often we beat ourselves up and stress more than the person we may or may not have offended. When I try to remember times people have said things to upset me I can only think of a few. I can think of loads of stuff I’ve done that has probably already been forgotten though. You identified that maybe you could have been nicer and will try not to repeat it- you can’t do much more than that. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
    Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter x
    Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted…30 Things About Me….by the MummyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:52 pm

      thank you.

  5. November 22, 2015 / 8:47 pm

    To be honest, after what he put you through, I think if this is the worst thing you have said to him, you deserve a medal! Don’t beat yourself up over it 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Random Musings recently posted…Baker Days Cakes By Post Christmas Cake ReviewMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:52 pm

      thanks Debbie. xx

  6. November 22, 2015 / 9:35 pm

    What Debbie said!! Sorry Pen but after the things you’ve told us on this blog about his behaviour, I’m amazed you felt bad about it let alone write a post! But it shows what a kind-hearted GOOD person you are (because I’d definitely be stumped as to why someone would blow up a photo taken on a phone as everyone knows it will be grainy and I’d be unable to not mention it to an ex I disliked!) that you feel bad about it. Don’t beat yourself up. Thanks for linking to (the last) #BabyBrainMonday
    absolutely prabulous recently posted…My Turn to Struggle With This…?My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:52 pm

      thank you! I don’t feel bad for him. I feel ashamed of myself because I am letting him turn me into a person I don’t want to be. Thanks for your comment though. I am glad only idiots get iphone photos blown up huge. xx

  7. November 23, 2015 / 7:31 am

    I think the fact that you are thinking about it after the event says a lot. It wasn’t a bad thing to say, but I think the proof that you’re a good person is in the fact that you’re now questioning whether you should have said it.
    Min recently posted…Am I Failing at Life?My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      November 23, 2015 / 9:43 pm

      Thank you! I appreciate that Min.

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