A respite from woe is me

It struck me last night that my blog is quite negative, it is quite downbeat and on occasion, just a little bit depressing.  I mean, it is not always depressing, from time to time I write something positive; my parents are superheroes was quite a positive post for example, as was my post about the royal baby. Generally though, my posts are a bit glum.  I have spoken about my relationship breakdown. I have used my blog as wine fuelled therapy when I am feeling really down.  I have even written one post about my decision to get some counselling.

In fact, when I think about it, it is a good job that I blog anonymously, otherwise, being the supportive parent blogger community that you are, I suspect you would have arranged for the Samaritans to give me a call or for the Police to check that I haven’t slit my wrists.  I exaggerate, but I doubt anyone feels uplifted after reading one of my posts.

On Sunday, I had a great day.  It was my day with baby.  (A very quick synopsis of me for new readers:  I am a newly single mum.  I have just returned to work full time.  My ex partner and I are having our son for one day each at weekends.  I really really really miss my boy.) 

He woke up at six.  We don’t usually get up until seven, so I fetched him from his cot and put him in bed beside me.  He fidgeted and chatted (in the way that only 9 month old babies can), pulled my hair, kicked me, giggled, smiled, but generally made it quite clear that he had no intention of sleeping.  I gave up and breastfed him his morning milk.  It was wonderful.

The whole day was wonderful. In no particular order:

  • We played with his train set.  I constructed the train track, he picked the trains up and chewed them.
  • We played with his animals.  I lined them all up balancing on a box.  He picked them up and chewed them.
  • He giggled uncontrollably when I rolled his toy car over his naked belly.
  • His eyes darted backwards and forwards as a train went past when we were waiting on the station platform for our train.
  • He ate three bowls of porridge, two mini breadsticks, pear and strawberry puree, a load of my mashed potato and onion gravy from the lunch I was eating with a friend, fish pie and then a yoghurt, plus two bottles of milk and three breastfeeds.   We have always struggled with feeding (milk and weaning) so this is a real achievement.
  • He watched the world go by at the Southbank Centre.
  • He smiled back at me when he caught me just watching him. 
  • I let the cat lick his yoghurt pot after he had finished his yoghurt.  He then grabbed the cat and the yoghurt pot and started licking the yoghurt pot himself.  Not hygienic at all and I grabbed the yoghurt pot from him very quickly, but I was impressed at his copying skills and quick learning. 
  • When he was asleep, I couldn’t wait for him to wake up again.  I didn’t want to put him to bed; I wanted to let him stay splashing in the bath all evening.
  • When we were lying on the floor playing flying baby and he was shrieking with excitement I didn’t want to stop. 

I know that I miss my son terribly because I see so little of him, but I can tell you this for certain; when he is with me, when it is finally my day with him, I cherish every second, I enjoy every minute and I relish every hour. 

I don’t know whether working full time and being a co-parenting single parent has made me appreciate the time I have with him more, but I am grateful for every second when I am with him.  The time flies too quickly and I can’t imagine that it will ever be enough. 

Loads of love.

Pen

xx

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20 Comments

  1. June 2, 2015 / 9:39 pm

    What a beautiful post! It perfectly captures the joy of all those small precious moments when just playing with a toy car can be brilliant. I’m new to your blog, having only just discovered you via #TwinklyTuesday, but have nothing but respect for you battling the single mother thing at the same time as working out the whole new parenting malarky!
    West Essex Mums recently posted…Happy birthday – the Little One is two!My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 2, 2015 / 10:12 pm

      Hi,

      Thank you so much for your comment and I am glad you enjoyed the post.

      Some times we forget the small precious moments, or we enjoy them at the time but we don’t record them anyway. We had a great day and I wanted to record it. So I did!

      I hope to see you again on my blog – I warn you though, not all of my posts are quite so joyful!

      Take care xx

    • thesingleswan
      June 3, 2015 / 9:09 pm

      HI Jenny,

      It was a great day. And yes, I am always amused that everything seems to end up in his mouth. I came back into the room to find him chewing my hair brush earlier – nice! Thanks for your comment. xx

    • thesingleswan
      June 3, 2015 / 9:07 pm

      Ahhh, you are always so nice. Thank you. xx

  2. June 3, 2015 / 4:51 pm

    I don’t have children, but I do have a husband that is a big baby, so I understand the concept of wanting to capture every moment of growth 😉
    Seriously, though, one of the best decisions of my adult life was to adopt the practice of mindfulness. It helps me feel more joy in my life and makes me feel more connected in those precious moments. If you haven’t read it yet, check out “Peace is Every Step” by Thich Nhat Hanh. It seriously changed my life when I encountered depression and just wanted to love my life more.
    Helleanor Rigby recently posted…Bernie Sanders Sets My Baby Box On Fire, And I Like It 😉My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 3, 2015 / 9:04 pm

      Please continue commenting on my blog and tweeting in my twitter feed. You always make me laugh!

      Thank you very much for the book recommendation I will check it out. Future blog post topic coming up.

      See you soon x

      • June 4, 2015 / 2:04 am

        And you always make me think! Feel free to comment on mine, too. I could use some of your glum and woe to bring us down 😉
        (That was obviously sarcasm. I think you’re delightful!)
        Seriously. Get that book. It changed my life. And I don’t say that lightly.
        Helleanor Rigby recently posted…Bernie Sanders Sets My Baby Box On Fire, And I Like It 😉My Profile

  3. June 3, 2015 / 7:11 pm

    I don’t think your posts have been depressing hon, just an open and honest exploration of how you’re feeling and coping which is no bad thing. You really do love that little baby don’t you?! I feel for you being forced to spend so much time apart from him but how wonderful that it’s given you the incentive to really be so present and mindful of everything that he does when you’re together and to enjoy every second of it so thoroughly. I don’t ever remember being quite so wrapped up in my children when they were little babies and if I was I never recorded those feelings and now they are gone. To be honest though I think I prefer the toddler and young child stage – tantrums and all – it’s just more interesting! Thanks so much for linking up to #thetruthabout Xx
    thenthefunbegan recently posted…The Truth about… #28My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 3, 2015 / 9:02 pm

      Hi, thanks very much for your comment. Yes, I am actually looking forward to the toddler and young child stage. Already there are small hints from him that he is thinking about stuff and is starting to understand what is going on around him. I am looking forward to getting more of an insight into his little mind. I can’t wait until he starts talking a bit and his personality starts to come through a bit more.

      Thanks again for hosting #thetruthabout. I really like it as a linky. You always have good posts linked up. x

    • thesingleswan
      June 7, 2015 / 9:20 pm

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for reading – again and I am glad you don’t find my posts too depressing. I don’t mean them to be depressing – they just seem to turn out that way. xx

  4. June 5, 2015 / 7:29 pm

    What a beautiful post. I love the honesty in all your posts, whatever the subject. Sounds like a fab day. I really feel for you not being able to spend more time with him. I’m a single mama too but my ex husband chooses not co-parent (and that’s not just because he lives in a different city). I always pushed for S to have a good relationship with his dad but sometimes actually it’s easier that he doesn’t. #wineandboobs
    Natasha recently posted…Do you want to go to Legoland?My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 7, 2015 / 9:19 pm

      Hi,

      My ex is playing an active role in our son’s upbringing – or at least those are the signs at the moment. He is very firm and insistent about when he gets him and that he gets to see him a lot. I find this really difficult because it means that I feel that I hardly see my son because I also work full time. Although it is difficult for me that my ex wants such an active role in our son’s upbringing (our lives will be forever entwined) it is obviously the best thing for our son and that’s what I keep trying to remind myself. xx

  5. June 6, 2015 / 8:07 pm

    The end of a relationship is a difficult time. Learning to parent a constantly evolving child is tough. Doing both together is hard. It’s okay for your writing to express that. And yes, there are moments of incredible joy in the middle of it. Thanks for sharing those too. Your notes about playing consisting mostly of chewing made me smile. My girls are 9 YEARS old now, but 9 months old feels like yesterday.

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.
    Sadia recently posted…Shopping Cart SafetyMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 7, 2015 / 9:02 pm

      Hi Sadia,

      Thanks for your comment. Yes, the end of a relationship is more difficult, but knowing that you are in the wrong relationship is more difficult. At least I have my boy. He’s amazing! xx

  6. June 11, 2015 / 10:07 am

    This is a lovely, uplifting post. I think the very fact that you wrote it is a sign that you may be catching a glimpse of a brighter future. Bottle the feelings you had that day and swig on them when you are next feeling low. Conversely, don’t beat yourself up about posting in your low moments, I think some of the best blogs are those that really come from the heart and yours really does.
    Clare recently posted…The Time ThiefMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      June 11, 2015 / 9:43 pm

      Hi Clare,

      Thanks for your comments. I am getting quite used to swigging from a bottle at the moment, but yes, I will bottle up the positive thoughts and swig on them when I am low. Good advice. Take care. xx

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