Ending a relationship takes courage

I split up with my fiancé a couple of months ago.  I’d like to say I left, but until we sell the house I have nowhere to go, so we are still living under the same roof albeit not the same ceiling.

We were arguing a lot.  Some of the things he said during our arguments, but most importantly the threats he was making if he did not get his own way, made it very clear that he did not love me.  I realised that I could not spend the rest of my life with him.  I told him.

He did not argue with me.  He did not say that he loved me and that he couldn’t lose me.  In fact he said that he didn’t love me but that we should stay together for the sake of our son.  However, he is taking a while to accept that we are actually separating and last week came home from work saying that he is a mess.  He had been drinking. 

To the outside world I am not a mess.  I made the decision and I am coming to terms with it. I fear that friends, his family, work colleagues, society in general, see us and think that I am the evil one, the heartless one, because I am able to end the relationship and I am not a mess.  What people forget, or simply don’t realise, is that behind the facade, I am a bit of a mess. When I realised that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with him, I was floored. My dream of the happy future that we were going to create for our child had been shattered.  I had to stop speaking to my Mum for a bit for fear that my emotional roller-coaster was causing her too much distress.  I was crying in front of our child –  fortunately he is very young so he won’t realise what is going on, but I wasn’t happily playing peekaboo with him as a mother should be.  People don’t realise this because this is the pre-public bit of the break-up.  My ex partner doesn’t realise this.  The person that terminates the relationship starts going through the break-up pain before the break-up happens.

So, next time you are comforting a friend or family member who has been left, spare a moment to think about the person who made the decision to leave.  They have been through this pain,  possibly on their own because they couldn’t display it publicly because the break-up hadn’t happened yet.  They are not evil or heartless.  They have had to be massively courageous: the easy option is to spare the other person pain and to stay in a relationship, particularly when there is a child involved.  It takes courage to be decisive and to do what is best. 

We should spare a thought for the leaver on occasion and recognise the turmoil that they have been through and are probably still going through. 

7 Comments

  1. May 7, 2015 / 9:47 pm

    I feel like you have climbed into my brain and are writing all my thoughts down. To leave a relationship takes great courage and the community I am from, more so. But it was the most liberating (and best) decision I ever made. I am happy and so is my son and that’s all that matters.
    So glad I stumbled upon your blog xx
    Natasha recently posted…Expert dental adviceMy Profile

    • thesingleswan
      May 7, 2015 / 10:07 pm

      Hi Natasha,

      thank you so much for your comment. It is really nice to hear other people’s stories when they are going through and have been through the same challenges that I am going through at the moment. I am really glad that you are your son are both happy. It gives me hope that there are good times ahead. xxx

  2. May 23, 2015 / 5:54 am

    When you write you captivate me. I felt the emotion in your writing. I was never brave enough to leave my ex. In the end he did. I think this is a fabulous post, yet again
    Susan recently posted…FB Consingment for frugal mommies and daddiesMy Profile

  3. thesingleswan
    May 24, 2015 / 11:31 pm

    Hi again Susan,

    Thank you very much for your comment. I am really flattered that you like my blog. I like writing and it feels good to have people who enjoy reading it. thanks xx

  4. May 29, 2015 / 10:25 pm

    This is so true. I was in a bad relationship – it took me a long time between knowing it had to end and to actually leave (well over a year). I probably didn’t come across as bothered because I wasn’t – the relationship was over long before I actually said the words and I had done all my agonising when I realised this. All my family and friends were very supportive, they had all wondered why it took so long. It took so long because I thought staying was the easy option – it really wasn’t. Also, because to leave felt like I had failed. I now know this wasn’t the case but it took a long time to see that! I wrote a post on my experience here http://myrandommusings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/the-relationship-that-made-me-grow-up.html if you want to read it. It is so similar to your story. Sorry about the essay!
    Debbie
    http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com
    Random Musings recently posted…My Peek – The Good, The Bad And The Ugly!My Profile

    • thesingleswan
      May 30, 2015 / 11:21 am

      Hi Debbie,

      Thanks for your comment. It is really hard ending a relationship but the hardest bit is actually the realisation that it has to end. By the time you actually do end it things are easier – you’ve kind of got your head round it. I feel like I have failed, but then I felt like a failure in my relationship too. There are good times ahead – I hope!

      xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge